Is there anyone more miserable on the telly than Game of Thrones’ Stannis Baratheon? Look at the head on him. A face longer than the Nile and a grimace to curdle a Yop. Blanche from Coronation Street has nothing on Stannis. Someone needs to give him a hot water bottle (pink, fluffy) a bag of Malteasers and a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

I know there are a million things I could be writing about that are more interesting, more worthy, more valuable than a profile piece on Stannis Baratheon.

But the body wants what the body wants and I want to talk about Stannis.

Poor, poor Stannis.

If Stannis were a colour it would be the gungy stuff you find around the base of a tap. If he were a band he would be Radiohead. If he were food he would be piece of sad canteen cabbage.

Stannis thinks he’s the true king of Westeros. Whenever he says this he barely believes it himself the poor guy. He even needs Liam Cunningham to back him up all the time and it makes me wince because we all know it is in fact Liam Cunningham who would be a great king—he has a lovely soothing voice, a sense of fairness and kind eyes.

Sadly, he also has unerring loyalty to Stannis. This is a great trait if you’re a king, but not so good if you’re trying to shake a moody millstone around your neck.

I look at Stannis and I want to help him, for whatever good I could do. But I have a feeling that if I reached out to embrace him he would shrug me away angrily like an embarrassed teenager.

He looks so sad and lost. So cross. So unfulfilled. He doesn’t even know if the Lord of Light stuff is a whole load of hokey but he’s gone this far he doesn’t feel like he has a choice really.

He’s even lost his hard-on for Melisandre—he’s afraid of her now and she makes him feel like a bit of a loser. In his eyes he’s been emasculated and even his non-lesbian wife loves her more than she does him.

Whenever Stannis says “I AM THE TRUE KING OF WESTEROS!” and a bit of angry spit flies out of his mouth I am left cold and uninspired. Put it this way he wouldn’t be getting my vote in a general election. He’s no Michael Collins in that scene where he’s getting the crowd going with his impassioned “If I shall die who will take my place?!”

‘I AM THE TRUE KING OF WESTEROS!’

Yes Stannis pet, yes you are, if you say so hun. Now I’ll tell you what, you have a little lie down and I’ll run you a bath of Radox and bring you in a cup of tea. We’ll, em, discuss this whole ‘king thing’ in a few weeks, when you’re feeling a bit better.

I haven’t read the books so if he’s a bit cooler in them I don’t know about it.

First published May 2014