Do you ever wake up wrecked, your Minnie Mouse pyjamas dripping in sweat because you spent the last hour attempting to detonate a bomb on a speedboat? I do. I’ll have a glass of warm milk and a bravery medal please.

I’ve been having some wild dreams lately. Properly wild. As wild as putting the jam on before the peanut butter. I wake up many mornings and say: “Right, I had another box-office hit of a dream there last night. When are these babies going to make me a bit of money?”

These dreams have a beginning, middle and end. They’re proper thrillers, (with a bit of sci-fi thrown in to keep things fruity) and they’re packed with threat, characters to root for and resolution. I’m in the middle of a covert government operation. I’m saving a hijacked plane. I’m in a car chase scene on the Brooklyn Bridge.

I go to bed all tuckered out after staying up late reading romances set in the 1900s, and the next minute I’m waking up for a wee at 6am having seen more action that Bruce Willis.

I’m Will Smith in Enemy of the State. I’m Nicolas Cage in Face/Off. I’m Angelina Jolie in Salt.

Now I’m all confused. I’m cycling into work normally, perhaps even stopping off for a coffee to get me going, maybe an oatie biccy, but only hours before I might have disabled a missile, I might have seduced a CIA operative for information, I might have said: “It was an honour serving with you all, especially you, Tito Gonzalez,” as I plunge to my death in a military chopper.

I feel like I’m leading a double life.

Books like 100,000 Dreams Deciphered and You and Your Subconscious delve deeply into teeth falling out dreams, death dreams, naked dreams, flying dreams but where is the section that explains what it means when as soon as you fall asleep you become Denzel Washington?

First published August 2014